It was happening a party in the cover of my building. It still was under construction. The walls still were just brick and concrete. It didn't have all the walls, actually it was very dangerous. Imagine someone falling from the top. Even more dangerous after a few beers or some wine, that was what I had with me.
It had a cool illumination, made just with room lights. Everywhere I looked I could see tools and warning stripes. It was quite busy.
I was asking my self who had the idea to do a party there and why I was there after all. The music was fine! Getting to the party I knew nobody, apart of a friend, who invited me. We are not that close, he is always so odd. But I was feeling a bit down these last days, so probably was a good idea to socialize a bit accepting the invitation. Definitely it was an awesome view of the city from up there!
I saw that friend talking with this beautiful girl. The both leaning against the wall and talking about something that I had no interest to know. I knew how he is when hitting a girl and I didn't want to interrupt. I passed true them and she followed me with her eyes. On that moment she was quiet, throwing a look of curiosity no me while my friend kept talking to her. It felt that we were in slow motion.
She had a short and black hair, wearing a ladder singlet and chains on her baggy pants. She definitely would be the first one to hold your attention in a room full of people. Not because she was strange, not at all. I mean in a good way, she pass security just for standing at her side, just for passing by her as if something happened she would save me, even being apparently a small and skinny woman and I just a stranger.
Finally we were talking! I was expecting the whole night for that opportunity. Deep inside of me I was trying to impress her the same way that I knew my friend was, but if someone asks me I would deny. After a while talking, I decided to risk and bring up a topic a bit deeper to the conversation:
- Sometimes a typical narcissist, a person who acts like they are too confidents of themselves, yells for attention or shows an extreme care about their appearance contemplating their beauty could be actually just compensating their low self-stem. I mean: the ones who talks a lot, normally doesn’t do that much. I have being reading about self-love and techniques to develop it. It's very interesting!
Then the girl gave a smile:
- Yeah… I know what you mean. I have read about this as well. It is interesting.
Then she putted her leg up to this little chair between us. And pulled her baggy pants over her knee. And for my surprise, that was what she had, a knee and nothing more. The rest was a mechanical leg. It had a few springs and was made with metal and plastic. It was kind of stylish. Even thought I was astonished. How I didn't note that before?
Anyway, I did I've too much attention for that, it wasn't important.
This last weeks I was feeling crap, I have being trying to don't say this out loud or even think about this. I was fighting against this depression, doing everything that I knew to keep going. Wasn't spending to much time on bed and all this searching for the happiness' magic formula took me to that subject: Self-love.
- I don't know what is the best way to keep your sanity in a world surrounded by agents of the perfectionism matrix that wants to denigrates you making you join them. - I said after a moment of silence:
- They are everywhere in everyone. - She replied laughing
- I don't know what are you doing, but it is working.
- I do what I have to do! - And then she continued - If I'm scarred, I survive. If I'm happy, I enjoy. If I'm cold, I feel cold! This'll teach me to bring my coat next time. If I have a headache, I deal with it! I decided to eat all that junk food yesterday. What about drinking more water next time?
On that moment I realized! All that speech was making lots of sense for me. All my braincells were absorbing each one of those words.
- Life is not just pleasure. - I said whispering, almost just to myself. But she heard and was glad that I understood.
I realized how pathetic I was, complaining about my situation that way, avoiding my feelings. While she had a much bigger issue and there she was, strong as a bull. I can affirm that wasn't a shell, I know it. She is not the kind of person that speaks a lot. She just has that energy around her, this beautiful aura.
The difference between me and her, was that she accepts her inabilities and try to work with what she can. She don't feel sorry for herself. She acts as you could only be really happy if you don't get in panic when things don't work as expected and don't get to excited about good things. Life is happening in the present, the rest is illusion. Live is much more than good or bad moments. What is good now can be bad latter. All this is too superfluous. Life is experience.
I got very excited with that conversation. After a few seconds looking around and shaking my head, organizing my thoughts and with what she just said I looked at her and our eyes crossed each other. I thought that it should be a good moment to kiss her. But again I was thinking too much instead of taking an action and the opportunity was gone. I got closer to her and trying to give some live to the conversation she continued:
- This society doesn't accept you if you are sad. It doesn't accept you if you are sick. Doesn't accept you if u are in a bad mood. For everything you have the "magical pill", an instant remedy… As you would say, the "blue pill", form matrix.
- Yes! We don't need to be perfect! I just realize that I wasn't depressed, I was sad and that is just freaking normal! - She seemed to understand perfectly what I was feeling and traduce them to words. I remembered that I haven't commented about my "depression" before, but I felt that I should just keep talking:
- Some people say "Erik you are not funny today, you are boring! What happened?". For those I should answer "Life happened! I'm not a circus attraction to make you laugh. I have feelings as well! Deal with that!".
She just smiled while looking down the building. I got close to her and then she turned her face to me abruptly, probably to say something else that came to her mind. But as fast as it came, that thought left when she realized that our mouths were almost touching each other. We could feel the heat between our bodies and the cold surrounding us. Looking still to her eyes we had our first kiss.
In the next morning I woke up feeling very well. The sunlight passing true my courtins was and hurting of my eyes, I turned to the other side and stretched my arm along the bed to pull her near to me, but nobody was there. This strange feeling fell over me, as I had spent my night with a ghost.
"Why would she leave me in the middle of the night?"
I looked around my room and had no sing of her presence. Everything was exactly the same as everyday.
I inhaled deeply and opened my arms. I was relaxing my entire body looking to the seallin.
- That is a wise girl… I wish I was more like her, she is a free bird! - I said to myself thinking still about she leaving me without a simple good buy.
I thought about the possibility of she being just a character of a dream. If that was the case she would be a projection of my sub-conscient, just a part of myself. Well, lately I'm getting a bit confused to distinguish dreams from reality. I laugh with my self thinking that could be to much pot. But it doesn't really matter. The both situations, dreams and past situations are real while they last. After that, they are just memories and learnings. So now I decided to get off the bed and don't think too much about what could have happened, I was getting hungry. I opened my door and saw a leader singlet in the floor. A smile took over my face. Few more steps I found a baggie pants. Getting in the kitchen I saw this girl. She had her back to me and was completely nude standing on a mechanical leg. She was leaning on the bench and reading the paper while having coffee. She noted that I was there. I knew that she was pretending that she didn't, expecting a reaction from me. But I was there just observing her, glad that life was happening and I was there!
Erik Schnabel
